Belinda Eaton, Anchorage, Alaska December, 2009
This December was my four year anniversary since first coming to White Raven Center. It has been an incredible journey of sorrow, fear, anger, hate, self loathing, love, acceptance, and forgiveness! A journey that is still being lived but with more wisdom, understanding and love! Some roads were smooth but most were tough as hell and all up hill. Through the Rapid Core Emotional Healing, I have been able to reclaim my god given birth right of happiness, pure love, forgiveness and acceptance and most of all self worthiness. I have broken down all barriers around my heart and have learned how to love myself.
My parents were not loving parents. They were very strict, and very abusive physically, mentally and spiritually. I was the product of rape and my mother didn’t want me. I was a tool to hurt my biological father. She was my worst tormentor. I was alone facing the world mostly on my own as young as 2 or 3 years of age. My mother humiliated me in front of people with verbal attacks and beatings. Suicide had been a part of my life for many years. I was living in a self inflicted cell of self hate and didn’t even realize it. I used to have dreams a monster was chasing me hurting me and when I faced the monster it always turned out to be my mother.
I can remember at the age of five, praying, begging every night for God to kill me so I could live in Heaven with him. That’s a pretty young age wanting to die!
The year 2005 was the beginning of my healing journey. Little did I know that the loss of my job of 14 years would tumult me into feelings of my past still haunting and ruling my life. Depression had been an adversary, tormentor, teacher and companion for as long as I could remember and its arms were wrapped around me so tightly I could hardly breathe. I felt like the biggest loser and the most worthless mother in the world, I felt humiliated, an embarrassment to my parents, unworthy of my children by not being able to support them. With no income, being a single parent with three children depending on me for food, clothing, support, I sold my home and moved myself and my three children into my parents home. To some this would seem like a simple thing to do. For me, it was like walking back into the pits of hell, where the fires scorched my skin and the devil herself reigned in terror.
My family physician started treating me for anxiety attacks, depression, and thoughts of suicide by prescribing psychotic prescription drugs to help me through the horrible ordeal. I had been on anti depressant drugs for 15 years already but now I was taking drugs to help me sleep, drugs for anxiety attacks, and drugs to help me get motivated in the mornings. He also gave me a referral to see a Psychiatrist Doctor at Providence.
When I called the Psychiatrist for an appointment, the only opening was a month and a half away. My problem with that was I wanted to kill myself now, not wait for a month and a half. I was on the edge of a very steep cliff and was purposefully taking one more step every minute to end my pain. All I had to do was make one more step and everything would be peaceful. The negative voices in my head would finally be quiet, all the pain would be gone. I would be in the black void of nothingness. Nothingness seemed like a beautiful place from where I was sitting at that moment.
My last prayer was asking God for help. The next thing I knew a good friend of mine mentioned the White Raven Center. I had known Marianne and Floyd for years through our boys playing football together but never knew she had a healing center and helped people through the Core Emotional Healing. I didn’t have too much to do with Marianne and Floyd then, I thought they were different, and very strange. They always seemed happy and smiling, something foreign and alien to me.
I immediately called the White Raven Center and Marianne Rolland answered the phone. I explained through tears and sobs what was happening in my life and asked if she could help me. She didn’t hesitate when she said she could help. I asked how soon she could see me. She told me that they were having a weekend workshop but that she normally didn’t invite new patients to such an intense atmosphere. It could scare new people away not understanding the Core Emotional Technique. She advised me to come in and do a one on one with her the following week after the weekend workshop. I knew I could not wait that long. I was making the last effort of fighting for my life, and new I had to do something immediately or I was going to commit suicide that weekend. I didn’t know anything about Core Emotional Healing but I did know that I had nothing to lose except my life. So I jumped in with both feet and attended the weekend workshop.
I remember the first time I walked into the White Raven Center on a Friday evening in December. Oh God, I was so terrified to walk into the White Raven Center! I was scared to death to have these people see me, let alone hear my story, and to possibly judge me for my sins. I told myself that we had nothing to lose and that I had endured a lot of things much harder than this. So, I forced my feet to move forward one step at a time. I did not talk to very many people, I kept my eyes downcast and sat in a corner with all the cement walls I could muster standing in front of me. I was too deep in my own shit to acknowledge another person or be friendly.
The atmosphere was bright, warm and the loving energy inside was overflowing and comforting. The people who had already been doing their work were bright, bubbly, cheerful, living in life. The room seemed to glow brightly from the colorful and bright auras emanating from these people. This place felt like a dream I was witnessing from the other side of the window. My ego mind kept telling me that this place was the Twilight Zone and these beautiful people would turn into monsters any second.
So, I was distrustful of the feelings of love and acceptance I felt from these people who were welcoming me. At first I thought their happiness fake but as I watched them interact with different people at the workshop, and I actually got to know them, I realized that what ever they had I wanted it. As I reflect back to that moment, I realize that they had found peace within themselves. They had found and embraced their connection with a higher spirit (Grandfather, Grandmother, ancestors, guides, angels, whomever we believe in). They were living life in pure love.
Eventually after watching several people go through a Rapid Core Emotional Healing session, it was my turn to “get on the mat”. A blindfold was placed over my eyes and I was instructed to start breathing. The more deeply I breathed, the more I moved out of my head and into my inner feelings. As I connected with my inner self, I started to cry which eventually turned into wailing. I cried for all the injustices done to me, I cried for my lost childhood, I cried for my children, I cried for all the horrors I endured, I cried for the mistakes I had made in my life. After a while, with Marianne and Floyd gently and lovingly guiding me, I was able to release a lot of the pain I had been poisoning my body with and brought back a soul part that been lost for many years. The feeling that came over me was nothing I had ever experienced before in my entire life. It was pure love! This was a feeling I thought love was supposed to feel like but had never experienced. I felt a warm light of pure love wrap my whole body inside itself and nurture my soul. I started crying again, but this time from joy. I had felt the purest form of love that filled up my whole body and soul. I stayed in that place of pure love for quite a while. It was an awesome feeling, one I had never experienced before and I didn’t want to leave.
After that workshop, I left with hope in my heart and felt lighter in my steps. I started looking at life differently, the trees, grass, flowers, and sky looked so alive, so living, so present in nature, so beautiful. Everything looked brilliant and fresh. I left feeling like my life was worth living again. That was when I decided to get off all the uppers and downers my doctor had prescribed. I knew I had found something better then the drugs!
I also looked at my family differently and they noticed a big difference in me too. I was finally learning what it was like to really love, to really love me. I triggered the hell out of my parents especially my mom. My change was even noticed by my three boys.
Since then, I have been on a spiritual healing journey working towards that place of happiness, love and acceptance.
I wish I could say that my growth has been easy these last four years but honestly, the growth I’ve made has been extremely hard. Since then, I have participated in more workshops as well as individual sessions in order to heal myself and live in pure love all the time. With each part of myself that becomes healed, I have been able to let go of behaviors that have harmed me in the past, self judgment, self hate, self unworthiness. I have learned how to open my heart and to forgive. I have fought against centuries of cruelty passed down from generation to generation. I have fought with my worst enemy which was/is me (or what my ego calls me). I’ve faced each and every piece of anger, hate, sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, negative programming of unworthiness and isolation starting from birth until now. All of the emotions I stuffed inside of me as a little girl, are being released and healed. I have cried, screamed, hit, kicked, beat, and thrown temper tantrums. Through allowing those emotions to be released, I have been able to walk through the fire to the other side and find peace and forgiveness. I have learned how to love myself and to allow myself to be loved. I am learning how to accept my gifts and to use them to help other people heal.