B.A. Metlakatla, Alaska September 2021.


I am home

I walked into White Raven Center December 17, 2017. The only two people I knew, were my Uncle Floyd, and my Aunt Marianne. The first words I spoke in a group full of strangers and my Aunt and Uncle were “I just want to die.” I was terrified that I would be locked up for my own safety, but a part of me wanted that to happen too. I had been raped a few months prior, which triggered symptoms of PTSD.
I went to a therapist for a few months, who talked with me. I recognized that when I cried hard and loud, he panicked and tried to console me. I knew I needed something more. I saw my primary care provider and begged him to give me some medication to take the edge off. He recommended that I find a place to decompress for 3 days. So, I called up my Uncle Floyd and asked him if they still have their weekend intensives. It turned out that there was one in just a few days.
I got my ticket and set out in hopes for a life changing event that would help me live a more full and authentic life. I have been going to Weekend intensives as often as I can for the last 4 years. My intentions continue to be to move anything that is not of me or light out of my body so that I can welcome my own soul essence back home.
I recognized that this work allows for going deep below the surface of present day problems and going to the core, as Uncle Floyd says “where it all began.” The first time my soul experienced trauma and left my body in order to survive the madness.
My childhood was constant and chronic trauma. Nothing, no one, and no where was safe. I could not trust anyone or anything, especially my own self. So I was programmed to believe that the world is unsafe, and that my life is meaningless, and that I am unworthy of love.
I craved love. I gave myself away to find love. I somehow ended up empty handed most of the time, feeling even more broken and alone that I had ever felt. When I began wishing for my mother, I was so confused. My mother was the one who delivered the trauma to me in my childhood. Life with her was a living nightmare. So I said it anyways, “I want my mom.” Then Aunty Marianne said “The truth is, you never had a mom.” Then it was there right in my face and weighing heavy on my chest. The grief of my broken heart. I felt it physically in my body. I knew I needed to feel it all the way. So I began to ask for what my body needed, whether it was pressure on one spot, weight, pulling my arms and legs, or to kick, punch or bite something. I began to listen to my body’s cues as it showed me where I stored the pain, the shame, the energy that was not me. Where I found it the most was in my spine. I had stored years of abuse and rage in my spine. It was excruciating to go after it. Every time the pain in my back would flare up, I knew what I had to do. I had to surrender to the pain. I had to let it take over me so that I can get it out of my body. When I began the work on my back, I had constant back pain that no doctor could explain. I had been x-rayed and had MRI’s but there was no explanation for the pain in my back. I lost track of the amount of sessions it took to move that pain out of my spine. It has progressively moved up my spine, into my neck and is almost completely gone.
Every time I moved the pain out of my body, I found my voice to speak truth about my experience. The lies and programming I grew up with shattered, and I was able to see the truth about who I am, and what I deserve. It was mind boggling to me to think that “I am the beloved.” What is so special about me that “I am the beloved.” 4 years into the work I had the most beautiful revelation. I am the beloved, and you are the beloved, and WE are the beloved. The same light and wisdom that is in me, is also within you. What a beautiful gift to know. I am worthy of Love. I am MY love. We are all Divine beings on a spiritual journey to find our own soul and to become whole again.
What’s more is that, when I was able to see and feel the truth, that I am love and light, and that I did not deserve what was done to me, then parts of my fragmented soul would appear. I understood during those enlightening moments that as a child, I had to split apart to survive the madness.
One session, I dove into a terror I was feeling. I saw a clear picture of a 12-year-old version of myself pacing in circles in a panic throughout my childhood home. I realized then that this version of me was terrified and looking for an escape. This 12-year-old version of me was contemplating suicide as a route of escape from the abuse that was coming to me as soon as my mother came home. The higher self, adult version of me approached this terrified 12-year-old version of me and told her that it is over. The woman who abused me has been dead for 9 years. The house I grew up in is dark and falling apart. I invited this 12-year-old version of me to leave this place, and I showed her the home I created. I showed her the people who love me. I showed her White Raven Center. She quickly accepted my invitation to integrate back into my body. I felt a vibration starting with my heart center that spread over my entire body. I was home and I am home.
B.A. Metlakatla, Alaska

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